the wheel

I have gone backwards and forwards over the last few months over this particular space. Not sure if I needed it any more. Not sure if it was "me" anymore. Note sure if it meant anything anymore. Not sure.

And it comes back to the fact that I need to write. Need to process. As we drove home this afternoon in the very late afternoon sun I saw/ felt/ was my dream last night. I looked at the beautiful New Zealand bush illuminated by the suns last rays and my dream last night haunted me. I was the dream and it was me.

And I need to write tonight. Grief is a wheel and it turns. I hide it well and manage to carry on. But I lost my parents suddenly and in awful ways and it haunts me still.

Last night I dreamed of my parents. I walked up the hill at the children's school at the end of the school day. And there they were. They were together and standing with my sisters. I knew they had been there a while and my first feeling was of loss that they had been here for a while and I hadn't known.

I clung to them and they explained that they had somehow found a way from heaven to earth. They had walked from there to here and could not explain how they had done it. And here they were. We talked for a while and then they said they had to go. And no we couldn't go with them. My Mom and Dad walked away together, like they always were- a duo. Across the school fields and down the road. We all knew that they were unsure of how they would get back but they were going to walk through the bush and hope that the way back was like the way here.

In the way of all dreams there was a mix of real and unreal. There was a big swarth of bush near the school and my sisters and I went after my parents and stopped at the edge of the bush which was illuminated by the suns last rays. We were uncertain about following them in case we disturbed the way back for them and so we looked into the darkening woods and waited.

I am sure this is filled with all sorts of signs and things we process in the cycle of grief. But all I know for sure tonight is that I miss them. And I don't to forget that I do miss them. So I write.

good comes

We went away over Easter- to our little slice of heaven. Where honestly I can feel Creation breathe.

I walk along the beach in the golden light of early morning and feel Creation inhale....then as the clouds turn every shade of orange over the water as the sun sets I feel the exhale. The sun filled air is clear and every single star blazes in glory at night. I look up to the Southern Cross and feel so immensely grateful. Sometimes I am not even sure what I am grateful for, I just am.

And this time away I realised I knew something deep down..

Good can come out of the most atrocious situations.

We think of a circumstance with cruelty, tragedy and despair as a full stop. But as there was a story before the circumstance with good, bad, ugly and beautiful... so there will be afterwards. The story will be altered beyond recognition of course. But there can be good woven into it.

Joy, laughter, peace and contentment- things that seem impossible to ever be again in the midst of pain and suffering- can be ours again.

Allowing grief to unfold, without hurry, expectation or judgement, in turn allows the after to come. And without fanfare, there it is, a goodness rising from the ashes.

And one day, however unlikely it may seem in the middle of the circumstance, it may be possible to say- life is good. This or that, is good, and it would not have found me without the before.

I realised that good had arrived. I have a pure and beautiful relationship with both my sisters that has risen from the ashes of what happened to our family. A good and new relationship that I treasure. And it could not have come without what happened before. And so, I was grateful in one small measure for what happened. Not all of it and maybe never will be. But good came, and for that I am grateful.

a boy

Something happened this Summer. It snuck up on me and was completely unexpected. My little boy turned into a "real" boy over the summer. A fully grown bonafide boy. My little boy, my sweet baby male child, is gone. In his place is a tall, strong, loud and fully engaged with life, boy. He's grown physically and emotionally and it's been the summer of the rollercoaster. Looking back the rollercoaster makes sense although at the time it was all about holding on for dear life!

Growing into yourself is hard work. And when you have stuff to process as you go, it can be exhausting. Luka has been finding his place in the world- the start of the wonderful journey of self-discovery which will last a long time. Hopefully with love and support it will be a journey that is easier rather than harder...

He has become a lovely boy. As he was a lovely small boy. He is kind and loyal and really with those qualities, you can't go wrong!

3 questions

I am a little disillusioned with social media this month. There's an underbelly of ugliness. And it's manifesting in all corners with people I don't know but follow online, in people I know, in people I admire and it unsettles me. I have clicked "unfollow" a whole heap of times this month.

It is so easy to share something that supports our "truth" without checking on the validity of the view the shared post has. It's worse when it's cruelty with a mask of humour on the outside.

If you look at where we sit with a worldview, we sit in a wide open field. We are not taken in by what we see on TV or read the papers. We search for what is behind. What is the reason behind what is going on. We would be apolitical with no affiliation to anything other than the freedom to make choices in our lives. I want to know why.

There's a lot of political buzz on-line. And most of it is a little ugly. I get that people are upset and angry (on all sides) but I have to ask 3 questions:

1. Is it true? Honestly I think most people think that what they believe is true. But the reality is that most stuff is "your" truth. Our views/ opinions/ philosophies shift over time as they should. They ebb and flow as we learn and grow and experience different life experiences. Is what we are sharing true? Or are we trying to make a point?
*Of course I am not talking about foundational life beliefs like faith.*

2. Is it kind? What is the reason for the post or comment? To prove we are right? To sway people? But just like street evangelism with threats of hell has a very poor chance of converting people, being unkind has zero chance of converting people to a point of view on-line.

3. Is it nessessary? Is what we are posting needed in a world where there is so much unkindness? Post about true need, the widows, the poor, the orphans. Food that transforms, natural medicine that heals, things that inspire, lift up and encourage.

Let's focus on being positive. As the months roll by I am sure this underbelly will get more and more yuck. I for one am not buying in. I choose to be kind.

So, for all of you who believe in different things to me, I respect you and I honour your beliefs. If they are precious to you, they are precious to me.

a small boy's oils

We had another miraculous encounter with essential oils and this time it was a little closer to home. We have a hand scanner that measure the bio-frequencies of the body and then reports what oil would be beneficial to the person at that time.

Luka asked to be scanned last week and Myrrh and Marjoram came up. We thought nothing more on this other than a passing "oh, let's make him a roller ball with these oils at some stage". We have been having some epic emotional meltdowns from Luka recently. E.p.i.c. I initially put these down to age and growth and hormones.

But I paused yesterday and remembered what he had scanned for. I looked up the oils in my book of Emotions and Oils. More and more I am finding that the oils are equally strong for emotional health as physical health. Essential oils can't heal you emotionally. But like watering around a weed before you pull it out of the ground, the oils gently help highlight and deal with an emotion while you do the healing work yourself.

When I read the oils Luka scanned for I was in shock. They are both related to adoption, trust and security. I have to point out that Luka had the best possible adoption experience. It was filled and surrounded by love. Every person involved was acting from a position of love and we all still do.
But it was still a disruption and the birth experience was traumatic for him.

Myrrh- The Oil of Mother Earth
Myrrh oil nurtures the soul's relationship with it's mother & the earth. The oil supports people who have had disturbances with the mother-child bond. This disturbance may be related to adoption, birth trauma, malnourishment, experience of abandonment or other childhood issues. Myrrh helps the soul feel the love and nurturing presence of "mother". 
When the mother-child bond has been disrupted, the soul may lose it's child-like ability to trust. Myrrh assists individuals in letting go of fear. As the individual learns again to live in trust, confidence in the goodness of life returns and the soul feels more safe and at home on the earth.

Marjoram- The Oil of Connection
Marjoram aids those who are unable to trust others or form meaningful relationships. This inability to trust often stems from harsh life experiences. Marjoram teaches that trust is the basis for all human relationships. It softens the heart and heals past wounds. It kindles the fires of trust in relationships so that one may fully blossom.

I have a really good relationship with my son, and he has a really good relationship with his birth mother. It's open and loving and he is surrounded by love. But he is obviously processing some big stuff maybe even unconsciously, to do with the start of his life.

So we did make him a roller and diffused Myrrh and Marjoram in his bedroom last night. This morning his room still smelt of both oils- clean and pure. I climbed into his bed like I do every morning and cuddled him. He felt relaxed and happy. I got extra hugs this morning and he spent a while curled up on my lap. He said "I love you Mum" over and over. There has been a shift, even overnight.
Over the next few weeks we will continue to use these amazing oils and I will focus my energies on him, loving him and assuring him of my presence.

I am empowered in motherhood and I love it!

being intentional

When life is full *read "busy"* it is so easy to fall into the path of least resistance. And for me that includes parenting.

We have a boy's boy and a girly girl. Luka loves all things loud, crashy and sweaty. He is pure energy. When he was a baby we were politically correct and offered him non-gender specific toys. He gravitated early on to toys that banged, made a noise or were on wheels. His first sounds were noises that things made.

Grace on the other hand gravitated towards animals and things that were relational. We offered her cars like her brother had- zero interest. She's not into dolls but loves horses & unicorns and anything and everything sparkly and glittery. Her first sounds were coos and chit chat.

Our family naturally divides into two halves, the males on one side and the females on the other. It is so easy to split up errands and activities based on gender as Luka and MJ like the same things and Grace and I do too as well. I can think of nothing better than reading a book about Twinkle the fairy and playing with Grace's extensive collection of My Little Ponys. Not so mad about charging around outside in the heat with a ball and throwing myself through the sprinkler on the lawn.

It's natural and fine for the most part but it bothers me a little and I have been pushing myself to do things with Luka that he likes to do. So we have started playing "tickle" at night. There is nothing involving tickling I might add. It's a full on wrestle fest. Luka is extremely strong and often I fear for my safety. Still I fend him off with pillows and he loves it. Absolutely loves it. At the end of the game he gives me a ferociously hard high-5 of gratitude and is covered with sweat. I am just glad I survived to tickle another day.

I am also learning about all things Star Wars and can tell you the size and function difference between most of the Star Wars ships. I also have extensive conversations about Lego sets and exactly what each one contains. Poring over Lego & Star Wars books is not my version of fun times, but Luka loves that I am there beside him.

Intentional is hard work and sometimes seems like a lot of effort (let's be honest) But long term it's worth it for me, I want to stay connected with my boy. The trick will be remembering to be intentional!

two years

Two years ago today we lost my Dad. It seems like an absolute lifetime ago but also yesterday. I am used to life without him and not used to it at the same time.

I like to think that he knows what the kids look like now. He would love spending time with them as they grow and learn. My Dad never stopped learning and he would have so enjoyed spending time with these little "knowledge-sponges" of mine.

Happy second Heaven-Anniversary Dad xox