Feb 18, 2014

the friendship debate


** UPDATE** Megs has removed her post due to a backlash. How anyone could be upset by such a warm and loving post I have no idea. Don't stop writing with such honesty Megs, your Dad is right, it is a ministry xxx

My friend Megs wrote the most heartfelt post yesterday. It made me cry and I scribbled a response without paying much thought. I just saw her pain.

And inadvertently caused pain myself.


Someone from my church read this. And thought I meant her. This person is someone I would rather gnaw my own arm off than hurt. She deals with more rubbish than anyone should have to and I am super protective of her. And I hurt her.

The internet is so darn dodgy. And we have to be very careful about what we say and assume it's ALL in the public domain. In not giving enough detail I gave enough to cause hurt.  MJ really likes this girl too and I thought he would be furious. He wasn't (lovely man as I was beside myself) but he did give some wise council. "Say it all or say nothing".

So I will say it all.

I can't mention names but two friendships did die for me- one I would call significant and I thought would be around forever. It did happen around the time that MJ stopped working for our church. Was it that fact that caused the breakdown? Possibly but most likely not. Does it matter? Not really.

I have been on a journey over this and have learnt some things:
  • Some friendships are for a season. And that is ok.
  • Sometimes friendships die and you can't resurrect them, no matter how hard you try. And that is ok too.
  • You can't force someone to be your friend. They are a free person with their own will, they are allowed to choose whether they stay friends with you or not ;-)
  • It is ok to mourn the loss of a friendship. It is not ok to get bitter and angry. 
  • Celebrate what you had, not what you thought you would have. I wrote a letter to my significant friend and thanked her for the friendship. It was a magnificent friendship after all.
  • It is ok for it to hurt for a long time. It just means you loved well.
  • And sometimes the reasons it died don't actually matter (as long as you didn't do something you need to apologise for!)
Meg's post mentioned a personality test- I did it and this is from my profile:

 Engaged Idealists have an unusually strong ability to empathize. They are tolerant and generous towards others; they sometimes tend to idealize their friends. They always try to suit everybody and want their relationships to be harmonious and satisfactory. To achieve this, they are prepared to invest a great deal and to put their requirements last. 

So this means I may be in this space again as I apparently idealize my friends. I decide that that is ok, I would rather love and lose and experience a beautiful friendship for a time, than not.

Lastly, I would say (quite strongly) that this is not anything to do with the church. Too many people are church bashers and expect the church to be perfect. Well, the day that I am perfect is the day I expect the church to be.

So there you go. I said it all. Thank you MJ, you really are quite wise!


 

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1 comment:

  1. Very wise stuff here. Loved catching up on your blog today. Been thinking of you all heaps. Xx

    ReplyDelete

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