Dec 5, 2014
the fabric of a family
Coming apart hurts. Losing the thread of a person in the fabric of your family is very painful. I think this is particularly true of a mother. A mother holds the family together and I think is almost like the base thread. A thread that runs through everything you can remember and have experienced.
I look at the fabric of my family and I see the loosening of my mothers thread. It hurts to look forward and realise that our fabric won't have her thread in it for much longer.
I think to tell my mother about Luka's school award- and then remember that she won't understand.
I miss the sound of her voice and her laughter downstairs as I sit up here and work.
I miss the ability to pour out my heart to her.
I miss her driving me crazy with her constant texting on her phone.
I want to ask her to come on an errand with me and remember that she is not here.
I am coming of age with the loss of my parents and it is a rebirthing that hurts. We have lost my mother before she has passed just like we lost Dad before he passed. My Mother and I now have conversations like this one:
Me: Hi Mom (coming to visit her)
Mom: Hi my darling. Where is your room?
Me: I don't have a room here.
Mom: Then where do you sleep?
Me: In my house. I have a house to sleep in.
Mom: That is amazing my darling. Amazing....amazing.
With my black humour I find these conversations endearing and funny. Except they are not funny. My Mom's confusion is a blessing as my Dad's was. It makes life easier for them at this stage. Just not so much for all of us.
I am so grateful I organised another photoshop as my mother was re-diagnosed. These photos will give us something to hold onto. They are beautiful, of a beautiful woman with a beautiful soul.