the fabric of a family

There's so much more to a person than their physical presence.  Family is a fabric that is woven together. We are connected and all the things we have done together and the things we have shared knit us together.

Coming apart hurts. Losing the thread of a person in the fabric of your family is very painful. I think this is particularly true of a mother. A mother holds the family together and I think is almost like the base thread. A thread that runs through everything you can remember and have experienced.

I look at the fabric of my family and I see the loosening of my mothers thread. It hurts to look forward and realise that our fabric won't have her thread in it for much longer.

I think to tell my mother about Luka's school award- and then remember that she won't understand.

I miss the sound of her voice and her laughter downstairs as I sit up here and work.

I miss the ability to pour out my heart to her.

I miss her driving me crazy with her constant texting on her phone.

I want to ask her to come on an errand with me and remember that she is not here.

I am coming of age with the loss of my parents and it is a rebirthing that hurts. We have lost my mother before she has passed just like we lost Dad before he passed. My Mother and I now have conversations like this one:

Me: Hi Mom (coming to visit her)

Mom: Hi my darling. Where is your room?

Me: I don't have a room here.

Mom: Then where do you sleep?

Me: In my house. I have a house to sleep in.

Mom: That is amazing my darling. Amazing....amazing.

With my black humour I find these conversations endearing and funny. Except they are not funny. My Mom's confusion is a blessing as my Dad's was. It makes life easier for them at this stage. Just not so much for all of us.

I am so grateful I organised another photoshop as my mother was re-diagnosed. These photos will give us something to hold onto. They are beautiful, of a beautiful woman with a beautiful soul.

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