Last year I read a book by Malcolm Gladwell called David and Goliath. I love his books but this one really resonated with me. It's about overcoming. In it he talks about a lack of fear being a key to overcoming. He uses case studies of young children who have lost their parents and how they have a lack of fear. They faced the worst thing a young child could face and learned that they could overcome. Life could still be lived.
As I read it I realised that was me. One of my biggest fears was losing my parents or someone in my family. And I walked through two very slow journeys of losing my parents. And I found that I am still standing. That life can still be good even though it really and truly sucked.
I realised that I had lost fear. It was so freeing.
I still tend to revert back to the time before I lost fear in funny ways. Like this weekend. MJ has taken the kiddies up to the bach so I can work. A big fear of mine is being alone in the house at night. And this house is HUGE. With my Mom gone and MJ kids not here it's silly big. So I was a little traumatised at the thought of being alone overnight.
MJ, bless him, did everything he could. He walked me around the house before he left and showed me how he had double checked all the doors and windows were sealed shut. He showed me that all the outside lights were on and he shut (and pegged) the curtains together so there was no way anyone could see inside.
So last night I made dinner and had planned to go upstairs as son as it was dark and lock myself in the bedroom. But as time went on I realised something. I wasn't afraid. I tested myself and slowly walked around the darkening house. I walked into my Mom's flat and all I felt was sadness. I stayed in her house for a while and soaked up the memories of her presence. It still feels like her in there.
Then I went upstairs and got into bed. And went to sleep. Love it!
