Mar 17, 2015


My most precious heirloom, my mother's acorn. Prized by me since I was in my teens I wear this everyday- and remember her.

It would be great to describe life as awesome right now but everything is so raw. After losing both my parents so close together I think we'll be feeling the impact for a long time.

I stood with one of my dearest friends last Friday as she farewelled her mother after a protracted battle with cancer. We had joked about our mothers racing each other to the grave and it felt so raw standing there watching her bravely hold a tribute to her wonderful mother, just 9 weeks after doing the same for mine.

I had to force myself to go to the funeral as I know Catherine had to to be there for me. With black humour I know that her Mum's friends must have thought I was super close to her Mum as I sobbed nearly the whole way through.

Church is really hard right now too. We are doing an amazing series on Job. Trouble is, I am Job. I know what he went through. When his shout/ rant/ scream at God was described as arrogant on Sunday morning, I wanted to shout No! It wasn't arrogant, it was borne of a sheer desperation. Desperation that is so raw there is no hiding or making nice.

God's questioning was also made out to be a pounding shout but I know better. God's questioning of me as I rant and rail at him is filled with Grace. It's a whisper, in love. His question to me of the stars and the sky turns my gaze upwards. I know He is bigger and one day this will make sense. I also know that He's ok with me right now.

9 weeks on I miss my Mother's presence. The willingness of a life poured out for me and my sisters. "Family first" was her catch phrase and it was true. She was ever the faithful companion to me. Whether I was picking the children up from school or going on an errand, she loved to be with me. I miss her so much.

It's raw and there's no hiding from that.

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