It would be great to describe life as awesome right now but everything is so raw. After losing both my parents so close together I think we'll be feeling the impact for a long time.
I stood with one of my dearest friends last Friday as she farewelled her mother after a protracted battle with cancer. We had joked about our mothers racing each other to the grave and it felt so raw standing there watching her bravely hold a tribute to her wonderful mother, just 9 weeks after doing the same for mine.
I had to force myself to go to the funeral as I know Catherine had to to be there for me. With black humour I know that her Mum's friends must have thought I was super close to her Mum as I sobbed nearly the whole way through.
Church is really hard right now too. We are doing an amazing series on Job. Trouble is, I am Job. I know what he went through. When his shout/ rant/ scream at God was described as arrogant on Sunday morning, I wanted to shout No! It wasn't arrogant, it was borne of a sheer desperation. Desperation that is so raw there is no hiding or making nice.
God's questioning was also made out to be a pounding shout but I know better. God's questioning of me as I rant and rail at him is filled with Grace. It's a whisper, in love. His question to me of the stars and the sky turns my gaze upwards. I know He is bigger and one day this will make sense. I also know that He's ok with me right now.
9 weeks on I miss my Mother's presence. The willingness of a life poured out for me and my sisters. "Family first" was her catch phrase and it was true. She was ever the faithful companion to me. Whether I was picking the children up from school or going on an errand, she loved to be with me. I miss her so much.
It's raw and there's no hiding from that.
