May 7, 2015

letting go

Lately I have been feeling the tug to let go. In all sorts of areas. Surprisingly this has also been part of the grief journey.

Imagine the worst way for someone to die from cancer. Both my parents had variations of what you imagine. That made me so angry. Angry at their suffering. At the fact they died so close together. Angry at it all. And somehow I knew better than to fight it. I let it be.

But it turns out that the stages of grief are like the tide. And slowly the tide of anger has been ebbing. And I feel like the shipwreck of my heart is exposed by the receding water and I am just so sad.

As my sisters know, it's the milestones of life that get you. May is a big month for us. Grace turns 5 and starts school. My Mom would have been there with me. Coming along to get Grace's uniform, her stationary, helping me wrap her books, preparing for the party and on and on. And my Dad would have been excited too, drawing his little cartoons in her birthday card and talking to her about being 5 and leaving 4 behind. There's a hole in this month and I am not sure how to get around it.

And then there's Mothers Day. Yeah, let's not go there.

But this week I read a quote my lovely friend Gail posted on Facebook:

This sits well within me. I don't like it or accept it, but it sits well. So these words are propped up against the walls of my soul and I am just looking at them. I still have crazy questions and an ocean of "why". But I know that I know that somehow these words sit well within me.

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