Jun 21, 2015

ebb and flow

Last night I dreamt of my parents. In my dream I woke up as there was a noise downstairs. I remember looking at my watch, it was 1.30am. I went downstairs and there were my parents surrounded by suitcases.

I could not believe they were standing there and said "I thought you were dead" over and over. My Dad laughed and said no, that they had been travelling to remote parts of the world and could not contact us. I reached out and tentatively hugged my mother to see if she was real and felt her slender frame. I turned to my Dad and felt his solid hug. I remember the feeling of utter relief that flooded my body. My Dad said he had on intention of dying before he finished seeing all the parts of the world he wanted to see. They sent me back to bed and said they were going to unpack.

I woke up again a bit later as I heard noises again. I went downstairs again and this time my parent's home group friends were sitting around the dining room table. They were planning an event. I asked where Mom and Dad were and I saw the looks of pity of their faces. I frantically searched the house for my parents until one of their friends came to me and took me by the shoulders. She looked me in the eye and said that they were dead.

Hours later in the daylight I still feel the desolation I felt.

Grief is a journey with a state date but no defined time frame or end. It ebbs and flows as it will. 5 months on I have learned that it will be what it will be. How I can put a time frame on being ok with living without my parents? Maybe there are some losses that you just learn to live with. Maybe they become part of your story and hopefully end up reminding you of the beauty of life and those you do life with. Maybe.
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