forgiveness

Lately I have realised how damaging negative emotions are. Not just emotionally but physically too. That has prompted me to look agreed at the travelling companion that has been with me for the last 18 months or so.

Guilt.

Like a heavy stone I have carried it around constantly. At time almost suffocating me and I have been unable to break free. The guilt that I did not do enough for my parents. Guilt that they both ended their lives away from their homes, in private care.

I have talked to God and my sisters about it. I know I have my Fathers forgiveness and absolution and my sisters think I am crazy for even thinking this way. The doctor told me neither Mom or Dad   would not be able to be cared for at home but still I was weighed down by guilt.

Then it struck me, I can't be free of guilt because I have not forgiven myself. It's only me that is pointing the accusing finger, back at myself. So this weekend on a walk in the middle of nowhere I looked back and forgave myself.

The me that signed papers to commit my father and watched him being taken away by ambulance, a part of me dying. I forgave myself.

The me that again signed papers to move my Dad into a private hospital, knowing that he did not want to be there but my Mom could not cope with him at home. I forgave myself.

The me that watched my Mom walk past a window completely confused, her hair in disarray- with dinner on the stove behind me and two small children, knowing I was about to break. I forgave myself.

The me that signed yet more papers to move my mother into a private hospital, knowing once again that this was not what she wanted but having no choice. I forgave myself.

I forgave myself for not being everything they needed. For not being enough. Freeing myself and my body of a negative toxic emotion. And finding peace.